Trust, time and the emotional bank account

We all understand how a regular bank account works. Money goes in, and money comes out when we need it. An emotional bank account, as Dr Stephen R. Covey describes it in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, is an account of one's relationship with another. Doing things that build trust adds to it.

It is an account of trust instead of money: how safe you feel with another person. It is one of the most relatable ideas I know for building relationships on trust, time and effort, and the dynamic is at play in every relationship, personal and professional.

Banks already work this way

Banks tier their service. Clients with larger balances often get preferential treatment, while others queue at the counter.

An emotional bank account is not measured in dollars, but it follows the same unspoken rule. That matters because it sets expectations on both sides: for the client, and for the representative.

How I think about my time

Time and attention are limited on both sides. I would rather be open about that than pretend otherwise: a relationship where both sides keep their commitments is one where I can give each client proper attention.

What counts as a credit, and what is a debit

We know what goes in and out of a bank account. With an emotional bank account we have to agree on it.

Keeping promises, showing up on time, spending time with someone or sharing useful research are credits. Broken promises, unmet expectations and social engineering to get work done without paying for it (getting a freelancer to work "for experience", say) are debits. Misunderstandings happen when one party does not see an action as a debit, but the other does.

Take more than you give over the long term, and the relationship suffers. The account starts at neutral and moves up or down. The more time a representative spends researching, advising and helping a client decide, the more is drawn from the representative's side. It works both ways: if a client's expectations of value and service go unmet for long enough, the business goes elsewhere, because the account has been in deficit for some time.

Building a reserve

An emotional bank account is not a one-for-one ledger. Lapses, such as a missed appointment without explanation, are brushed aside more easily for some than for others. Often the difference is the balance. With a healthy balance, a debit or two is absorbed.

So build an emotional reserve over time, on both sides. People have their own "currencies", driven by their purpose, needs and motivations, and clients are not mind readers. Representatives should say what they expect, and when we ask for what we want, we are more likely to get it, which builds a little more trust.

Building and repairing relationships takes time and effort. Some think of it as chalking up karma dollars. How are your emotional bank account balances with the people you work with? And before trust is built, it is fair to verify: here is how to check a representative on the MAS register.

Questions

What is an emotional bank account?

A way of describing the level of trust in a relationship: actions that build trust are credits, actions that erode it are debits, and the balance shapes how the relationship handles strain.

First published on isaacfang.com on 15 August 2020. Lightly edited for this site.